My Angst
by Raining Tear Drops4
Summary: Good, I thought, take me I am of little to no importance whatsoever. Everyone would be glad to be free of a ditz such as myself. I am but a burden to anyone and everyone here. Just make it long and painful, not that I would feel it anyways....


A/N- This is extremely angsty and is totally against everything I believe in for Usagi and Mamoru up until the very end that is. Iwas extremely depressedwhen I wrote this.

* * *

_I sat silently on the bench watching, waiting for something, anything to happen. I just wanted it to go away. The feelings. Those hideous feelings. The ones that always stab at my heart and torment my brain. I long for the darkness. A place I can call home. Why do these things have to happen?_

_If I could have one wish granted at this exact moment I would wish to be free of the anguish this world has caused. Who would know that inside this small body there could be so much. I often question why I am here. What purpose could _I_ possibly serve. What could a clumsy, good for nothing, crybaby, emotional, ignorant, dumb blonde possibly accomplish in a sophisticated world as such. _

_No guy could like one such as I. No one wants to deal with someone who can't even make passing grades in school let alone walk two feet and trip over the air beneath her feet. _

_So here I am. Alone. Doing what I do best. Crying. Not as I wish I could have, because the longer I sit here the more the truth sinks in. I will never become anything. The longer I sit here the more I wish a Youma would come and put me out of this misery. The longer I sit here the more I realize how foolish thoughts of happy endings and dreams were. I am worth nothing therefore capable of nothing._

_I can never give anything or get anything in return, because I have nothing to provide in the first place. I sit alone in darkness. It becomes colder as the day wanes and the moon shines high with its lustrous light. Only then the clouds take it away and leave me with nothing again._

_Without light I am enshrouded in darkness. Without love I am encased in eternal damnation. Without friends I am doomed to a life of loneliness. Without warmth of heart I am damned to a life of frostiness. _

_You may wonder what could cause thoughts as such. But you shall never know, because I myself have no knowledge. _

_I wish for freedom of being. No strings, ties or anything to hold me back. Only then can I escape. _

_I hold the blade so close that it touches my skin and I can feel the pressure of the blood rushing out of the small slit. I push harder and I can see the crimson roll down my wrist and into a puddle beside me. I watch the course of my pulse expel the liquid upon my body. I got the urge to taste it. And so I complied. It hurt but I only felt the shallowness off it for pain was immaterial._

_The tears silently roll down my half frozen face. I can taste their saltiness on my tongue as well as the bitterness of my blood. I welcome it. _

_I do not know how long I sit here but my butt is numb and I have lost all feeling in my body. The world is but a glimmer on the fuzziness of my brain. I can no longer feel the pain. _

_Just as I start to slip into sleep I feel something on my face. More than the tears that are still present, but the feel of a light rain. One that I can feel down my spine. That is now pasting my hair upon my head and my face. I slowly removed my hands from in between my thighs that were there for warmth and slid my shivering body to lie upon the water slick bench. Soon my clothing is hanging upon my body and I feel numb all over. Pain is irrelevant as long as I can feel nothing. I barely notice when the hypothermia has set in and I slid into a dreamless sleep. One where I shall not wake late enough. The world goes fuzzy, and the last thing I remember is the outline of a body. Good, I thought, take me; I am of little to no importance whatsoever. Everyone would be glad to be free of a ditz such as myself. I am but a burden to anyone and everyone here. Just make it long and painful, not that I would feel it anyways._

⋆⋆⋆

_I began the walk home from my night class. It usually took a good hour or more to get to my apartment. Depending upon which route I chose to take that day. I sat contemplative upon everything that had happened thus far in my life. Orphaned at a young age, my life had become survival of the fittest. While at the orphanage I learned a few valuable things that will stick with me throughout my pitiless life. You have to give to earn, you have to have to give and you have to want to have. _

_Without that all is lost. I give myself up mercilessly everyday to ensure the safety of the citizens of this town and, I have the willpower to give._

_I don't mind my work but it takes away from my life. I am barely keeping my grades up. I have no extra time between saving the world and attending my school. If I could change one thing in my life it would be that I could share the happiness of one I so desire. That is what I want. My soul so longs for that completion. I can just feel something strong when I am around that person. It sends chills up my spine and I can feel a longing I never knew could exist._

_Even now my mind is upon her. I wonder consciously and unconsciously of her. Of her desires. Of what keeps her ticking. Of why in her exterior she is the epitome of a perfect life. I wish to share that of her, but know it will not be. No matter what my soul wants. _

_Whenever she is near I can feel the gold sparks light warmly and I can see them reach out to her._

_Even now as I think of her walking through the park, I can feel the sparks radiance upon my skin. _

_It begins to drizzle lightly and I can see my breath upon the air. I can feel my lungs clench at the feel of the air rushing swiftly in and out of my lungs in a uniform fashion._

_Only then do I realize the feel of the sparks and the shivers are not that of my thoughts but because she is near. It was then I noticed the flaxen hair unimpeded in the mud and grime littering the ground around her. Her features perfect except for the red staining her shirt and contorting her body. She looked entirely too pale and her body shivering. Her hair plastered to her face by the rain and she scrunched up in a ball for warmth that was not present. _

_I took off my jacket and placed it around her broken body. What could have cause such. I picked her up to take her to my apartment. I noticed a piece of metal come to a soft cling upon the ground as it slipped between her lax fingers. I then thought to myself, oh god._

_Why would such a happy girl let this happen? All I could think about was getting her out of the cold and into a more appropriate place. Even now I could tell hypothermia was setting in. I quickly rushed into my apartment. I placed her upon my bed and rushed to find all the blankets I owned. I stripped her of her wet clothes and placed them on her and around her I knew it was not enough. She was still shivering. _

_I remembered back in a class I had taken while I was still in high school. The best way to get heat to a body is to create it with another. With that in mind I shed my clothes. Quickly I slipped in between the blankets that covered her shivering form and pulled her flush against my body. I checked to make sure the pulse was still there and silently cheered when it was. This was not over yet she would live and he would be the one to save her. It was all a matter of time._

_"You will live. You just cannot die. Life would be so plain without you." I silently whispered into her ear. I got no response not that I expected one. I could feel a deep breath suck into her body as if drinking after a long thirst. I felt the tears upon my face before I knew they had come I pulled her closer to my heated body. I placed a kiss upon her dirty hair that was once so beautiful and radiant. It would be once more. He would make sure of it. "Just hold on a bit longer."_

⋆⋆⋆

_I knew I was losing myself rapidly and was close to being gone. I no longer felt unhappy. I felt as if I were floating. I felt a pull though. At my soul. A warning. A wanting. I laughed at myself in the extremity of the darkness in my heart. I willingly took away myself but I felt obligation to the world I left behind. I could feel the warmth touch my body. It was as if it were lying next to me. Waiting for me to wake up. Telling me not to allow the darkness to consume me. If not for that I would already be gone. Even now I found myself wishing for that warmth. Wondering where it was that it has just chosen to show itself to me now when I no longer want it. It never wanted me until I was too far too gone in my mind. _

_But I would return if only to eradicate my curiosity. Slowly I let myself leave this place of weightlessness and back into the world of my nightmares._

_Then I began to hear a voice. A voice that I knew but couldn't quite place. _

"_You will live. You just cannot die. Life would be so plain without you." It whispered to me. My heart clenched and I could feel the life flow into me. _

_I sucked in a haphazard choke of air and it burned in my lungs. I was shivering and my teeth chattering uncontrollably. I could not move nor make a word come out of my mouth. I felt a body clinging tightly to mine as if afraid to let me go. I didn't want it to either. Even if it was only for a little while and turned out to be the chaotic imagination of my startled brain. I tried to move closer to the warmth that covers my body. I felt the arms around my waist tighten and pull me nearer commending my unspoken plea. _

_I felt it snuggle and place a soft gesture upon my hair. Then I heard its reassuring voice once more. "Just hold on a bit longer." I would even now I could feel the trembling quiet down a bit. Even though it was minimal it was still an improvement. I was left to wonder who it was that could carry such a deep emotion for someone such as me. I knew it wouldn't be long before I found out._

_Soon I heard a soft snoring coming just beyond my hearing. My rescuer of despair had fallen asleep. I could move little but I pained myself to turn just to catch even a glimpse of my hero. It hurt a lot and I could see the white flashing dangerously across my eyes. But I had to know who would care so much to do this. I felt the soft flesh of the person rubbing against mine. As I turned our legs became intertwined and tangled. I didn't mind my body grew all the warmer. When the light faded away from my vision I looked upon my hero's face for the first time._

_I can't describe what I feel. I cannot even think. I cannot even move, for I am paralyzed by my discovery. My enemy. The one who has shared his spite for me more times that I can count. All I knew was that I had to get out leave. _

_Slowly I began to shimmy down out from his arms and beneath the covers. Seeking refuge away from his warm body. I kept moving until I felt my feet come from the covers and slip to the floor. When I came out, I noticed I was no longer in clothes and mine were nowhere to be found. I opened up the first drawer I could find and quickly put a shirt over my head. My face cringed when I bent my wrist and pain shot through my arm. I ignored it and started carelessly sifting through his other drawers to find a pair of boxers to wear. I found them and threw them on. _

_I walked numbly to the door making entirely too much noise. I couldn't feel my legs and I had to use the wall to support my body. Pain staggered through my body each time I slipped and caught myself upon the walls. I made it to the living room. I tossed the lock out of its position, turned the knob ruthlessly trying to escape. It was of no use the door stayed firmly in place. I turned and slumped against the door. I could never get out unnoticed. I am trapped in the home of my enemy and what is worse, he is standing some ten feet away, a sheet tied firmly around his waist, watching me struggle, watching me whimper, watching me cry. _

⋆⋆⋆

_I watched her struggle against the door. It was stuck as it did whenever the weather was cold enough_. _She began to whimper and cry at her luck. I felt bad. I slowly walked to her. I bent down to touch her face in a friendly gesture. She receded back from me. I slowly bent down beside her trembling form. I picked her up bridal style and strode into the bathroom across the room. I placed the plug in the tub and let the water flow from the spout at a reasonable temperature that would help to heat her exhausted body. _

_"Please do not cry. I am here to help you."_

_I slowly began to undress her and tried to be modest and not let my eyes wonder. This was hardly a time for such. She whimpered when the cool air hit her body. I placed her within the recesses of the tub and began to let her hair down from the odangos. She looked at me unshed tears in her eyes._

_"I am not going to hurt you." I tried reassuringly. "I only wish to help you. After you are better you may leave." She nodded and I began to wash her hair. _

_I used a bowl to wash out the shampoo and conditioner. When I finished cleaning her, I pulled a towel from beneath the sink and handed it to her. She wrapped it around her body and secured it so it would not fall._

_"May I look at your wrist?" I reached for it. She did not pull away. When I examined it I noticed it had clotted forming a crust over it. The cut was shallow and she had not lost too much blood. I grabbed the gauze and some ointment. I began to wrap it and what she asked next made me stop._

_"Why?"_

_"Why what?"_

_"Why help me. You hate me. I am nothing but a burden and a thorn in the existence of this world. You should have left me to die. Why did you not?" her eyes held mine and I could see the determination present._

_"No one deserves to die."_

_"No one would miss me." She looked away from my eyes._

_"Someone would." She barely heard it but I saw her gaze snap to me._

_"And how would you know." I secured the gauze into place. She snapped her wrist away from my grasp. "You have only deepest hatred for me. I am of no use to this world. Sorry to have wasted your time."_

_She turned away and walked out of the bathroom. It took a second for me to realize what she was implying. I walked out after her and she was banging upon the door that held her captive to me. Slowly she sank to her knees on the floor. "Why me. Why couldn't I have just died in peace? This pain is just too much to bear." She hung her head. The golden strands skimming across the floor. _

_I sank to my knees behind her and pulled her to my body. "Because, though it may not look to be, I don't want you to leave." I took a deep breath and prepared to tell her something I have told no one. "Usagi. If you left my world would be pain, I would fall into the depression you have now. There would be no light. Everything around me would cease to exist and I would fall into a despair as your own." I turned her to face me. "I brought you here because I care for you. I want you here. And if you will have it, I would like to help you with the pain you are experiencing. I am sorry for the way I have treated you in the past. I thought that if I made it look as if I hated you no one would ever know the feelings behind the things I say. But the truth is, I like you Usagi. I have since the day you threw the paper into my head. I only hope you can accept me. But I just want one thing before you walk away from me forever. But know, I will wait."_

_He moved his lips to her own and kissed her with pent up feelings and emotion. They all poured into her. Then it was gone. He stood and pulled the door open._

_"You can go." He turned away from her and shadowed back to his room. She was torn. Her life as of now was the opposite of what it had been a few hours ago. She did the only thing she could. She ran out the door and didn't stop until she was a block away from his home. _

_She needed time to think. Which, he had given her just that. He said he would wait._

⋆⋆⋆

_I staggered to catch my breath. After I had stopped the last time, the burning in my lungs from the air had made it so exhilarating that I immediately took off at another sprint. My brain had long gone hazy and I was colder than before. I immediately recognized my street and walked the rest of the way to my home. It was still dark outside but I could see the pinks of morning just under the horizon. My mother would be furious if she found out I had been out past curfew. _

_Silently I pulled the spare key that was in the bottom of the plant beside the garage door and unlocked the door. Before I entered I replaced the key. The house was devoid of any life activity and Luna was no where to be found. Who would expect her to stay with me anyways after what had happened. _

_I sighed wearily as I made my way to the upstairs bathroom. I opted for a bath. The one that Mamoru had given me has left me with the feel of his caring hands on me and a little more feeling than was welcome. _

_I slid just beneath the water and closed my eyes. _

_Sailor Moon turned with new determination on her face. "Moon Tiara Magic!" She threw her headband and it sliced cleanly through the air. _

"_No Sailor Moon!" The Youma screamed upon the force of its magic caressing its skin. _

_Sailor Moon cheered in triumph. She had defeated the enemy, with the help of the senshi of course. _

_Her cheer was cut short when a sharp blast crushed through the air. Sailor Moon was thrown to the ground. Several screams were heard. She slowly and painfully lifted herself up from the ground. The building that was just standing around her moments ago was now lying in crumbles all around her and the other senshi. _

_Hundreds of the people who had been working in the office of which it had struck were lying injured, unconscious, or dead around her._

_Sailor Moon had unshed tears in her eyes. "What have I done?"_

_She watched as the senshi got back to their feet. The first one to approach her was Ami or Mercury. The calm rational one. "How could you Sailor Moon? Didn't you listen I told you no!"_

_Then Rei or Mars came to stand beside her. "Way to go ditz, it's all your fault."  
She watched as Minako or Venus inspected the damage. "How could you have been so stupid?"_

_"I didn't mean…."_

_"We don't want your excuses." Makoto or Jupiter added on._

_Sailor Moon was hurt beyond mere words could describe. If the senshi hated her this much, what must Luna think?_

_I jumped out of the water. I sucked in breath like a winded runner after a five mile run. How long had I been submerged?_

_I got out of the tub and dried off before placing the clothes I had stolen from Mamoru along with a bra and some underwear._

_I walked into my room and I was met with the sight of Luna waiting expectantly on my bed._

_"Ah good your back. I believe you have something that belongs to me." Tears formed in her eyes as she prepared to hand in her henshin brooch. "I am sorry Usagi but the other senshi and I believe it is best if you are no longer apart of the scouts. Please return what does not belong to you."_

_Usagi looked to the spectacular brooch in her hand and back to her former best friend. Tears were in her eyes. She knew what she had to do. She had prepared to throw the piece of jewelry back to Luna but the tears streaming from her eyes landed upon the brooch. A bright light erected from inside the charm. I found myself being suspended into the air and the ribbons that flow around me when I henshin began to move. The end result was not that of which I expected. Instead of being clad in my warrior suit, I found myself in a beautiful white gown. A half moon glowing eerily upon my forehead. _

_I heard a startled gasp. I looked to Luna. "What happened?"_

_"My princess?"_

_I looked at her a little more than confused. "What? Princess?"_

_I looked at my former best friend and back to the reflection in the mirror._

_Princess._

⋆⋆⋆

_I felt an odd feeling within me. Like I was needed. Not the usual one I felt whenever Sailor Moon transformed, but one a greater need. I succumbed to the power and let it take over me. I found myself running without relent until I was standing in front of a house I recognized as Usagi's. All lights were out except for a pink light that lashed out unexpectedly to take me within it's recesses. It was useless to fight. I watched in awe as white clothing outline in gold, replaced my black sweater and faded blue jeans. I watched astonished as armor placed itself upon my abdomen and the hilt of a sword appeared by my side._

_I drew the sword from its sheath and swung it for good measure before me. I was assaulted by memories that included myself and Usagi. The sword landed with a clatter upon the cold ground and I landed upon my knees. It glowed brightly and I watched amazed at the power I felt. Now the memories were more gruesome. Of the day when the Moon and Earth Kingdoms fell. The betrayal of my royal guards and of how much pain was endured. Of my rebirth and of the orphanage years later._

_Then the memories of my past life mixed with the ones of my present. One thing was a constant in all of my memories, Usagi's presence. At the hospital right after the accident. The rose that lay in the vase covered by the glass in my room. How could I have forgotten the oddity of the girl with the odangos in her hair. I looked up at the window I knew to lead to Usagi's bedroom. I knew that in there she was experiencing something akin. _

_I got up from my knees and replaced the sword within its sheath. I knew that it was the key to solving part's of the mystery as was the golden stone embedded within. With agility unknown to me, I jumped into the tree next to her window and was relieved it was open. I slipped in with grace and ease._

_I was right. Usagi or Serenity was sitting on her bed her breath coming in it short gasps. She looked up at me. I watched emotion after emotion sweep through her eyes._

_"Endymion?"_

_"Hai it is I."_

_She jumped from the bed and into my embrace. Oh how I have missed her. Lucky it was to be let out after so many years of dormancy. It was good to see her again. Even if it was only for a little while. _

_"I have waited long for something like this to happen and be released. It was required to save our kingdom in the future. She had to endure pain and so did you. As for this was also a test for the princesses of the other surrounding planets. They failed miserably and will be dealt with soon enough. But for now our time is short and we must say good bye. I love you."_

_"And I you." I gave her a chaste kiss before once again the ribbons struck out and changed me. I fell into and induced sleep. All the memories that the sword had bestowed upon me and Usagi would remain. It was all a matter of time before we could put them to use._

⋆⋆⋆

I woke up from my reverie. The dream always started out dreary but I always loved the ending it is what keeps me reminded of what is good. But one thing I have learned that will stick with me for the rest of my life were the words spoken to me the first time I had met Mamoru. You have to give to earn, you have to have to give and you have to want to have. I gave my time up everyday to earn my life, I had to have the power to give up my time, and I wanted a life with Mamoru which I got. I wiggled to move away and found that arms tightened their hold on my body. I couldn't help but laugh. It tickled. He got a mad glint in his eyes and he began a tickle fight.

"Mamoru. Stop please."

He continued his assault without relent. It had been two weeks after the problem had been solved. With our newfound memories, I have been able to sufficiently punish the senshi and now everything has been set right.

Everything from that fateful night seems as if it was nothing more than a nightmare.

But now I am happier than I have ever been. I have everything with me. I have my friends, my family, my love, my life, my protector, my Mamoru.

⋆⋆⋆

I originally had this as part of my theme drabbles (it still is) But I decided to make it a one-shot all its own. I hope you guys liked it. Maybe you could check out my drabbles and tell me if they are good.

_Ja ne  
__XOXOXO,  
__Raining Tear Drops_


End file.
